Sessions with System & Soul

Soul Dive: Reframe Your Story Before It Frames Your Leadership

• Benj Miller, McKenzie Decker • Season 1 • Episode 18

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Every leader carries stories. Some inspire, some wound, some quietly drive decisions without us noticing. The risk is simple: if you don’t reflect and reframe them, they frame you.

In this Soul Dive, Benj Miller and McKenzie Decker explore three timelines of transformation: past experiences, pivotal shifts, and present choices. They share their own stories and invite you to uncover the moments that have shaped your leadership voice.

Listen in and learn how to use your story with clarity, trust, and purpose.

Sessions is hosted by Benj Miller and McKenzie Decker

The best businesses aren’t just built on strategy, they’re built on soul.

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Benj Miller:

Hey, welcome back to Sessions with System in Soul with. Mckenzie Decker and myself, Benj Miller, and this is one of our sessions that we do doing a soul dive. Soul dives are things that we deeply believe in, taking the time to get introspective have a moment where , we're thinking deeply. And really working on the internal systems of our soul that, , we can show up as better people in the world around us, better leaders at work, at home better friends, all those things. So glad to be here with one of my friends. Mckenzie. Mckenzie's gonna lead us through our soul dive for the day. So Mckenzie, how you feeling this morning?

McKenzie Reeves:

I'm feeling good. I'm feeling reflective. So

Benj Miller:

That'll work.

McKenzie Reeves:

Yeah, it'll work for today. We do these soul dives internally with our coach community. So every couple of months we get our coaches together, and this is by far their favorite thing that we do with them. And so we wanna give that to you. So what we did with our coaches was an exercise called timelines of transformation. And the idea came to me from I think maybe this is, I think this is true of most visionary type people. They tend to be future focused, thinking about what's next, what's coming. Like they think about what's around the corner as well as what the next 20 years look like. And I think. When your mind is in that space, 99% of the time, you generally don't look back very often and go let me think about, the last month. Let me think about the last 10 years. Let me think about the way that I've been shaped over my career or my life. And I think those. I think all timelines are valuable, but I think the visionary types especially may struggle to think about the past in a way that feels productive. And so I wanted to take the time and shape and exercise that helps us really see the value of past experience and how it affects us today and how it helps us lead into the future. So that was the idea of this and. I'm also just, I think generally as a person, I'm just fascinated by how the smallest of moments can truly, like over time they really turn the dial on someone's life. And sometimes it's one thing and sometimes it's a chain of events. A chain of messages that shape the belief systems that we hold or how we ended up where we are. That's what we're gonna explore today. I'm gonna have you walk through it with me because I think in the time that we have, you can maybe evaluate an experience that gives you some insight. Sound good? Cool.

Benj Miller:

Yeah, let's go. I resonate with that a lot. Like part of me thinks if I spend any time I think about the past 'cause I can't change it.

McKenzie Reeves:

Right.

Benj Miller:

And if I'm thinking about the past, I'm wasting time 'cause it's not moving toward the future. But I know logically that's not all true and believe everything you said. So I'm on board. Let's go.

McKenzie Reeves:

I have you captive here for about 15 minutes, so you're gonna have to deal with it. Best behavior. Yeah. We're gonna, we're gonna think about this in three timelines. So we're gonna look at a past moment. You can choose how far back you go in the past. Then we're gonna talk about the pivot. What changed for you in that? What was the before and after is really what we're getting at is what? What did it look like before this moment? Your belief, your way of being, your, how you interacted with others, and then what did it look like afterward? And then there's present and present is how does this really shape you today? How does this impact how you lead today? Who you are lead as a peer, as a spouse, as a parent, as a partner. Any of those ways. So that's what we're gonna do. We're gonna, we're gonna break it down though, one by one. And if you are listening, you can follow along. But we're gonna start, so we're gonna start with past. So pick a moment pick something that, it could be when you were six years old on your very first, baseball team. Basketball team. It could be passed from, when you were in college or when you were in. The first few years of a career, starting a business, 25 years ago. Or it could be something if that's too hard for you think about. Just pick up your phone and look in your camera roll. There's probably a moment in the last six months in your camera roll that's gonna offer some inspiration, so you can pick at any of those timelines. You got one.

Benj Miller:

Yes, I do. This is crazy though, 'cause I haven't thought about this in a decade, but first thing flood,

McKenzie Reeves:

so you gonna tell me what it is?

Benj Miller:

Oh, sure. So when I was at like 17, 18 years old I, at the church we were at, I just, I had this like burning vision that we lived in rural Ohio, right? So there's like literally nothing to do except for get in trouble. And so I just thought hey, if we built something that was like basically a club, and there was a club in Nashville called Rocket Town that some people I knew had started and it was like, it was banging, man. Like kids would come into the city and go to this. It was a Christian club, so it was like, there was no drugs. There was no alcohol. It was just literally a safe place and there was. Adults who would like, go around and just just be there for kids if they needed somebody. So there was all these cool like side conversations. I'm like, why don't we have something like this? We could build it. I could see it. Our church had 80 acres that they weren't doing anything with and I'm I like sold this up. The food chain. Somehow, like I got the thing built, it was three and a half million dollars back in all the 1998 or something. 1997. I, yeah, probably 97. But here's where the twist comes is because I like visionary, this whole thing, and like somehow pulled it off and it got built in my head, I am like, this is now my career. Like this is gonna be my job. I'm gonna run this place. No. Like they were not about to put an 18-year-old in charge of this, brand new $3.5 million facility.

McKenzie Reeves:

That's what you could even sell them on the idea. I can see why you might think that.

Benj Miller:

You're like i'm like, nobody else has the vision for what this needs to be. And and it the vision definitely got tamed down very quickly. But the facility was awesome. And this is funny. I have not ever thought about this because it ended up, I think, I can't remember what it's actually called. It's called like the Avenues or something or the avenue. But originally when we were like, selling it and designing and everything, you know what it was called?

McKenzie Reeves:

What?

Benj Miller:

Planet Soul. What? I'd never thought about that until you hit this right here, but, yep. Planet Soul. Middle of a cornfield, rural Ohio. So yeah, the, it was, it's funny, anytime like we go to these like memory kind of exercises, it's always the one that have hurt in them that like, make the biggest impact. I think you don't really grow much from victory, from celebration, from those happy moments are great. I love them, but it's those ones where you're like really kinda. Hurt by the situation in some way, or the person or whatever. So yeah, that's my memory. That's, that came to mind.

McKenzie Reeves:

That's a strong one. And I can't believe in all the time I've known you, I've never heard of this. Oh, that's crazy. I think you're right too about if you've picked a moment that is something a positive, there's nothing wrong with that. But I do think that some of that hurt is what informs us the most, whether or not we're conscious of it. So I think those need special evaluation. Even if, if you didn't pick that today, that's okay. But there's definitely some of those that I think have the strongest voices in our heads. I'll go quick here, but I shared this at one of our trainings, but, and it popped up in my mind that day for whatever reason, but I had a moment where I played softball growing up, and my very first season it was T-ball 'cause it was like, I don't know, five, six years old. And the way that the rules of the game were they would pitch it three times and if you couldn't hit it from the coach pitch. Then you have to hit off the tee. And I got in my head for I, I don't know where this came from at all, but I got in my head. If I had to hit off the tee like I was a failure, like a failure of all failures, life was gonna be over. Like I was like very physically afraid of having the anxiety was so real. If I had to hit off this tee, like I was just mortified and I ended up like psyching myself out to the point where I, at one of the times I was at bat, I missed all three pitches. I got was getting more and more nervous every single time and of course, that's gonna make it hard for you to do what you need to do. So I had to hit off the tee and it was like so devastating in that moment. But I remember my coach being like, you got this, and I hit it off the tee and. It was like this moment of failure, but it was also like a moment of victory. And we can get to that 'cause something shifts, I think, in those little moments. And so that's where we're headed next. So we've got a moment in the past, unpacked it a little bit. We're remembering the details of what that looked like and how it felt. So now let's talk about the pivot. What shifted in that moment? What changed in your thinking? Maybe your behaviors maybe most importantly, your belief system in that moment. So is there something for you and like this planet soul that, that, that shifted for you?

Benj Miller:

Yeah, I think there's some learning about myself and learning about other people too. My I think it's, it was a, maybe it was probably not the first, pretty early on in life learning that like, my visions aren't crazy, right? Like I can. See a need and build something that really matters. I also learned that I'm probably optimistically naive and you see this in me all the time, it's still a character trait. Even yesterday in our meeting, right? It's Hey, let's do this thing. And you're like, yeah, but the, you're not weighing all of the like, cost of all this. Oh, it'll be easy, it'll be fast, it's already done. All those things. I actually don't wanna lose that. I want to acknowledge it more, but not lose it. And then this was a big one. Like how do I make sure that if I've got expectations in my head that those are like real, having the conversation, not assuming things, but going and having the conversation. Had we had that conversation. A lot earlier. I probably would've, I don't know, would've happened, but I wouldn't have been so hurt in the moment when I wasn't the person. But then the last thing I think is just like I continue to want to give other people a shot. Like when somebody has an idea or some ambition like. I always want to give them a shot to see what they're capable of.'cause I had some people give me a shot along the way. And so I think if we don't give people shots then they're gonna miss their potential potentially. So that's our, that's like my obligation back is to get other people shots.

McKenzie Reeves:

You got ahead of me here, but I'm glad you did.'cause our third, the third part of this exercise is, so we talk about the past moment. Then what shifted and why it matters now. And you answered that already, that one of your takeaways from that is like you felt like you were given a shot and it motivates you now as a leader to give that to others. Yeah. Which by the way, like a hundred percent. I a hundred percent see that. I felt like you gave that to me day after day when we first started working together. And still now, but I'm like, he saw something in me that I just did not. I didn't get, so the, to be the recipient of that is phenomenal. And I think it makes you wanna be better when someone sees that in you.

Benj Miller:

Yeah. I wanna go back to, so I did jump ahead in the pivot. I think what you're saying, I, so correct me if I'm wrong, another way to say that is the reframe, like how did you go from, how you felt about it in that moment to like, how are you gonna reframe this for your own good going forward?

McKenzie Reeves:

Yeah, that's,

Benj Miller:

and I think that's super powerful. That's where if you see people in victim mode that don't have agency, they're usually not. Reframing their own stories for their own benefit.

McKenzie Reeves:

Oh, shoot. I I hadn't, that's not at all what I intended for the exercise, but I really like that the idea of the shift was more like what was before and what came after, like in that moment, what changed in you. But I really like what you're saying'cause it's like you could take that as, you could take that as I was hurt and so I was hurt by this thing and now I believe that I can't trust people with my ideas. What you've just said is if we're 20, 30 years down the road, from that moment we can look back at that and say, that may have been how that felt. Then the that before and after at that time. But up until, you know now I'm at a point where I can say, I can see something different in that I have more wisdom to see what this really thought and have control over the narrative. I like that.

Benj Miller:

I feel like I, maybe it's just me, but I have to, because otherwise what happened in that moment? I became bitter and disillusioned and Right. And now I'm carrying that around for. Rest of, and I probably did get a little bit of disillusionment that never wanted me to I don't want to get stuck in as a cog in a big machine with a lot of politics. So it probably does carry over some of the air quotes negative. But I even that I want to use for, okay, so where is my realm that I can play? I'll be self-employed. I'll do my own thing, I'll build businesses, I'll whatever. But if I didn't reframe, I would be a nasty human.

McKenzie Reeves:

Yeah. I think we all would. And I think that's why this, I think that's why looking back is so important that evaluated experience. I think it needs to be evaluated over and over because. There's a version of each of us, that maybe we're not ready to look at it and think maybe we're really just not, we're not ready to look at it. I think this was actually a good thing for me and a lot of good came out of it. Yeah, it hurt. And there's real hurt in that. We don't wanna I don't think we can ignore that, but there's so much that's, that came out of that moment that made us better or shaped us to be. The type of person we are now that we are proud to be. Like in my story, you hitting off the tee in that moment and for many years after that, like I was, I have been somebody who gets really nervous about messing up. If I mess up, I feel it so deeply and it's just like this. Self-hatred for messing up that messing up something that sh I should be good at. And I think if I think about it now that was 28 years ago or whatever, and going through what we have as a business and work running a team and leading people, it's like there's no room for that. If we have to hit off the t, we have to hit off the T. Like we're just, we gotta keep going and, yeah. And there's no time to give to petty failure. It's just, it's failure's. Failure we're gonna learn something, we're gonna get to run the bases anyway. Just go, just have, just enjoy it and move on. What crossed

Benj Miller:

my mind was like, I wonder 'cause you're so competitive I wondered if the story was going to, I figured out I could hit it further off the T so I would strike out three, get my three strikes, get it on the T, and then hit a home run every time. And I came to the system so it's maybe we look silly hitting it off the tee, but maybe we actually get more results by doing it that way.

McKenzie Reeves:

Yeah. Hadn't thought of that then wished you would've been my coach at that time. But yeah, so I think you're totally right. There could be ways that we let these stories like just inform us of the same negative message, but that's why we wanna evaluate it. We wanna let it shift in our mind. We wanna use it as a way to look and look back and say how is this affecting what I think of myself and what I do every day? And how is this affecting how I lead the people around me?

Benj Miller:

Yeah. That's great. I love that there's, it's so hard because like when you first started, I'm like what moment am I gonna think of? And then something in your setup sparked that one. But and that's probably a big one, but it's probably a big one I haven't thought about in 10 or 20 years. It's awesome. On the flip side, what you said, all those small ones that go unreflected and un reframed how powerful would it be if we. I like, I know I'm not good at this. This is something that I have to be very intentional to do. So

McKenzie Reeves:

yeah maybe the takeaway for everybody listening is do this once for yourself and then start to chain those events together and happens. I think it's fascinating that you're able to tie. Planet soul to the conversation that we had yesterday that was all about like, when we're, when there's vision happening and there's brainstorming happening, there's this there is some affirmation that you're looking for, but you're also one thing that's really interesting. And by the way, the affirmation of the yes and this idea is worthy and we're gonna take a minute to give it room to breathe and grow like. That is something that I feel a little bit challenged by that I have to keep working on and I appreciate that you brought that up yesterday and I think you've been doing that. You've been doing that for decades now, like you said.

Benj Miller:

Mckenzie, thanks for walking us through that. Thanks for sharing your T Ball story. I'm sure that in the moment that was like, it's so funny looking back 'cause you're like you're just a kid playing T-ball. Who cares? But man, those moments in the moment when you're at the base. Center of attention. You feel like the entire world's staring at you and you just wanna make mom and dad like so proud. Like those are those man, those shape us in ways that we can't even imagine. So I love the idea to take time to reflect. I'll add one other, like good takeaway from this is. I wonder what would happen if you, for one week just took one thing from yesterday that didn't maybe happen the way you wanted, or, just anything, one little thing from yesterday. Reflect on it today. Create that pivot moment for the present so that you can take that into the future. I wonder what would happen if we did it with those micro moments, like every day and just doing a week little. Challenge would be really fun. So I'm thinking about that. I'm not committing it to it yet because I commit to way too much and then vault follow through. But I'm thinking about it. I love the idea. But thanks for bringing it today. If you enjoyed this share it with somebody. That's the best thing you can do. Best way you can help us and say thank you is just sharing it or leave us a comment or review. We appreciate you, we're glad you're here. This is all for you. So if you have ways that you think we can grow and get better, let us know. And if not, we'll see you next week for another session.

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Benj Miller

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McKenzie Decker

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